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I tried to hold off, but I couldn't any longer. This time I was in the passenger seat when I snapped this picture (still moving of course hence the blurriness) of this nightmare sitting outside none other than a local Seattle Starbucks. Since you may not be able to see the fullness of the details, let me walk you through this one.

Here we have a perpetual James Brown "wannabe". I know what you're thinking, "this can't be a real person". So sorry to inform you dear reader that yes indeed, James' brother lives in Seattle. Since he seems destined for stardom, I'm sure he won't mind starring on my smallish website for a few fashion whacks. Let's just call him "James Jr."

First off, this outfit just offends on so many levels, I don't even know where to begin. But as I did with my last spotting of a fashion-nightmare, let's start with the boots. No, then again, as bad as his boots may be, there is something about this photo that's more intrusive than the boots; it's the hair.

1) The hair. Not perms, but PERMANENTS went out with another era. This hairstyle is just atrocious. If James Brown can't pull it off, just what makes "James Jr." think he can do it? Look above his forehead. Are those BANGS??? Why yes they are! In fact, it seems we're looking at the rock of Gibraltar. At any minute I expected to see little men running off the top of the cliff, parachuting into the air. Absolutely under no circumstances should anyone ever think to leave the house with their hair looking like this. The world can only take one James. And these days, it seems he can't even take himself. I am deeply disturbed by this hairstyle.

2) The shirt. Am I mistaken, or was that shirt made from my grandmother's drapes? Aside from the fact that it was an 88-degree day, and this shirt was 57 pounds heavy and long-sleeved, under no circumstances should paisley, flowers, or any sort of comforter-looking material be used a. in such abundance b. on a man.

3) The belt. This is harder to see in the pic, but it's that big reflecting thing you see on his waist. Actually, that is just the buckle. James Jr. seems to think he's some sort of superhero because as big as that gigantic Muhammad Ali starter-kit medallion around his waist is, it had better have some special powers. My best guess, he keeps his Aqua Net hairspray in there.

4) The pants. Again, not clear from the pic, but James Jr. here seems to have forgotten that it's not cool to wear tight pants. Not only are they tight, just where's the flood? When you sit down, your pants should not become capris. Oh but it gets worse. I'd be fine with James wearing tight capris, if they didn't reveal these 70's throwback boots. Which leads me to number five.

5) The boots. There are only certain people who are allowed to wear maroon lacquered cowboy boots. Those people are not black and they don't live in Seattle. I would have nothing against the boots if they didn't have 3-inch heels. The picture doesn't show this, but trust me they're there. This is completely unacceptable. No high-heels on men. Period.

Thus ends my fashion critique for the month. My camera will continue to be on the prowl. And as a last thought folks, really, we've just got to better.

[The author apologizes for the perceived frivolity of this post. Do understand that for her, fashion is a very serious matter and she feels a heavy burden to release the masses from fashion victimhood, however will get back to the regularly scheduled program of things of a more serious nature--like why the NAACP needs to retire.]

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Those familiar to this site know that every now and then I am prone to giving fashion critiques. Well folks, it's time for another. A few days ago, I had a "moment" while driving and just had to take a snap-shot in motion (hence the blurriness). What you see here is a lovely woman, strolling along on her merry way, unbeknownst to her, she would end up at the center of my ridicule on the world wide web. For the sake of my analysis, let's just call her "Jane". Don't worry, I'd never show Jane's face. You may not be able to decipher the photo, but Jane has on some very chic ankle cowboy boots (as chic as ankle cowboy boots can be). What else you say? Jane's also sporting some lovely shorts. That's right campers, shorts. I would like to announce to the relative world, that under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to wear ankle cowboy boots and shorts. Not okay. Be warned. My camera shall continue to be on the prowl.

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Well folks, it's been awhile since I last shared some thoughts on the fashion trends of today. And while yes, Uggs are still hot, I've located another nemesis. Well, two.

The Miniskirt Trend
So if you're alive and breathing, I'm certain you've been to the mall or at least in a public setting recently. I also don't doubt you've spotted the resurgence of one of the most horrific trends of the 21st century: The miniskirt. And might I add, it's the mini mini skirt trend. These skirts are so short you'd mistake them for belts. Though this trend is not new, I have a hard time believing miniskirts of the 70's were as short as these hootchie-fly skirts girls (and GROWN women) are wearing these days. My usual comment to ladies who feel the need to expose the upper fatty part of their legs (AKA their butt) while wearing these skirts is, "Don't bend over sweetie." And to think that sane mothers actually let their daughters leave the HOUSE with these things on is just sickening to me. Think I'm being too conservative? Now look, I am a 22-year-old single woman with a severe addiction to spending money in retail clothing and shoe establishments. I won't lie, I love fashion, and I love certain trends and styling. Though I have arguably crossed the line on "ultra-conservative dress" in the minds of most of the women in my church born before 1861, I certainly am modest. Always. That's the least a lot of young women can say these days. If you've entered the doors of most fashion retailers, these little scraps of fabric they call skirts are EVERYWHERE. Once the trend subsides, perhaps stores can sell them as dishrags.

The Low-Rise Pants Trend
"Hey you! Yeah you over there with the oh-so-cute Abercrombie & Fitch courderoys on. Nice pants, I like the color, but I can see your THONG! Please kindly adjust yourself so I do not have to stare at your undergarments." I cannot recall the number of times my enjoyment of a very good double bacon cheeseburger has been ruined by some chick bending over to tie her shoe and exposing her hind parts to me. At first I thought people just didn't know, but now it has become a full-blown trend to expose your underwear. Seriously. People do this intentionally and it is slutty and floosie-like behavior at best. There is a proper way to wear low-rise pants, and if you can't abide by the rules, then don't wear them at all. Oh, and another thing. For all you women who have a cellulite dilemma in the lower waist back and frontal areas (not judging the dilemma, just stating the facts), please refrain from wearing low-rise pants PERIOD. They are not for everyone. Trust me, this is for your own good. It does not make you look your best. Whew, okay, there I said it.

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There is a horrible fashion trend that has descended upon the consumers of America and beyond. They are Australian sheepskin boots. They are called Uggs. I'm assuming the name comes from the fact that they are UGG-LY. Not since the 80's have I seen such a horrendous fashion trend. Who is responsible for this? The Australians. Thank God Hillsong Music has redeemed my opinion of Australians. But for upwards of $200 a pop, what in tarnation would cause someone to actually think these suckers are cute? I've even seen girls wearing them with skirts?!? Now I've tried these on (burning curiousity I suppose) and I'll admit, they're both comfortable and warm. But "going hiking in the mountains warm" not "I wanna be part of a fashion trend warm". These boots seem to be the most popular in sunny California (someone help me understand the logic there). Whatever the case may be, these shoes are all the rave and I don't get why. Collectively, we Americans have brains the size of peas when it comes to consumerism. We do very little thinking for ourselves and usually rely on the media and what we see to dictate what we should be buying; especially in the fashion world. I've usually found that image creates desire and if you see something enough times, what was once ugly now seems chic. This is a marketing nightmare. But no matter how many times I see these uggified boots, they still seem hideous to me.

Another strange phenomenon is the fact that we consumers have some need to spend lots of money on things that shouldn't cost lots of money. Like jeans. And I'll be the first to admit, the combined market value of 5 pairs of jeans in my closet is about $800. I of course, being a bargain hunter didn't pay that price, but the concept still sickens me nonetheless. Truth be told, there's not a heck of a lot of difference between a pair of generic and designer jeans but the label. Sometimes quality differs, but even that's fargone these days.

I've been observing the Gap, Inc. over the last couple of years. Their sales were WAY down around this time last year--about 10%--which in the retail world is horrible. Interestingly enough, the Gap still had their same quality, same basic clothes. One of their main problems was, get this: their price point. Their jeans were too cheap. People wanted to buy "expensive jeans". So you guessed, it, sometime last year, the Gap introduced "1969" their upscale denim line. What a load of crap. The reality is, there's no difference in this new line of jeans. They're just more expensive. Currently, the Gap's sales are up. My hypothesis on this: We consumers want to have the best of the best, even if we can't afford it. "Faking the funk" so to speak, is a nice consolation prize for not being "well-off" enough to afford to pay $185 for a pair of Diesel Jeans without going into debt. So we'll buy the expensive pair of Gap jeans over the cheap ones because it makes us look more successful. This is the craziest concept to me. While the discount stores (Target, Walmart, TJ Maxx, Nordstrom Rack) are extremely successful these days, it's the (middle stores) whose clothes aren't too expensive but aren't too cheap that are losing in sales. Why? All because of some ugly boots. Well, not really but I'd like to think so.

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