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Earlier this summer while attending my brother's all boys private prep school high school graduation, I couldn't help but home in on something incredibly tragic. It wasn't the sea of khaki and bowties or the overabundance of navy blue sport coats and Lacoste boat shoes present. It wasn't even the fact that my brother's graduating class had all of like ten black kids--or the tragedy that ten black males is actually quite impressive for the average private east coast school. No my dear friends, this offense was far more egregious. Seated in the crowd of proud parents, I spotted a modified mullet.

Seriously, people does this really need to be said? Apparently so. It didn't work for Steven Segal or Michael Bolton so what pray tell makes people think this look is even remotely attractive? Sure we can all agree that the mullet of the 80s was scandalous in its own right. We all prayed to God that trend would never ever return. Unfortunately, the next iteration of that fiasco can be seen above. So for all who have ever wondered, here are my two cents: if you are a man at no point and again I say at no point whatsoever should your hair be at varying lengths such that certain sections can be put into a ponytail while others cannot. Not only is it not acceptable; it's not cute. Let it go brotha...let that back bit of hair go.

Past Faux-Pas
- Geometry Gone Wild
- The Grizzly Bear
- The Blue-Haired, Gun Tights Wonder
- Stripey Girl
- The Pimp

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I'm going to say this once and hope that someone important takes note. For credibility's sake; for the future of the conservative movement's sake; and above all, for Pete's sake: Ann Coulter needs a stylist. Desperately. Now.

Where oh where to begin? The only time Coulter looks halfway put-together is on her book and magazine covers which were no doubt taken during a photo shoot where there was a stylist on set.

Remember, here at nykola.com the goal isn't criticism. The goal is to help improve the world one outfit at a time. As you know, it's not normally my practice to call people out by name when conducting fashion critiques, but for Coulter, I'm making the exception. Last night was the last straw. Someone needs to say something.

Last night on her appearance on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, Coulter sauntered out in what can best be described as "Premium Hooker Couture." The main act of Coulter's racy ensemble was a handkerchief masquerading as a little black dress (picture forthcoming). Suffice it say, fabric was lacking. When Coulter sat down, there wasn't much left to the imagination. Something tells me it wasn't a mistake that we could see 95% up her leg. It's not like she hasn't done it before. This time around the dress was bad. Really bad. Simply put, Ann looked like a skank.

The sad thing is, I'm willing to bet she's better than that.

As Time Magazine's most recent cover girl, Coulter's publicity has significantly increased over the last few weeks. As an author, a columnist, and a commentator, she definitely deserves her props. Regardless of political affiliation, in a male-dominated arena, it's great to see women staking their claim and being recognized where it counts. As far as I'm concerned, nearly any woman on the cover of Time magazine is a very good thing. For you, for me, and for the free market society.

So why bring up the petty issue of fashion?

Well, we complain about how people should be paying attention to a woman's brain and not her clothing, but what happens when the woman makes it clear she wants you to see more than just her brain? It's one thing to have flair. To show excessive skin is quite another. Let's not kid ourselves here. Appearance is very important for a woman. Unfortunately, we don't have the luxury of going on national television and looking like decrepit raisins like some of the men who shall remain nameless. No; we are judged and measured according to how we look and how we carry ourselves. It's not bad. In fact, I view this as one of the great adventures of being a woman. It's extremely imperative that women who wish to achieve legitimate success take note of this. Whether good or bad, people care about the way you look.

Selling sex appeal as a means of reaching an audience is a cruddy way to go about achieving success. I salute the women in visible media who have maintained modest yet fashionable standards. In the end, the classy ones will be around the longest. Right now, I wouldn't count Coulter in that bunch.

Continue reading "Caught In a Fashion Faux-Pas: Ann Coulter">>>

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Remember good citizens: money doesn't necessarily buy taste. Just ask Donald Trump. He's the one responsible for decorating the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City. I know purple is the color of royalty but gawl-lee.

I haven't done a "Fashion Faux-Pas" in awhile. Today's fashion faux-pas is a celebrity one. The image you see here is that of Mr. Johnny (I'm always serious and obscure) Depp at this year's Oscar Awards ceremony. Suddenly I'm feeling the urge to sing some Beatles lyrics:

Mr. Depp looks less like he is attending a formal event and more like a mail carrier finishing up his evening route. You'll also notice the ensemble isn't replete without the chain and key (as all mail carriers have).

To make matters worse, it appears that Mr. Depp is attempting to redeem himself by coupling wing-tipped shoes with this get-up. Not working.

For the record, it is absolutely not okay to wear Federal Employee-inspired clothing to formal occasions. While I'm certain Johnny is going for the whole "I'm obscure but cool--in fact so cool that I can even pull off polyester" motif, we shouldn't have such low expectations for elusive celebrities.

As always, my camera shall be on the prowl...

Past Faux-Paseses
- Geometry Gone Wild
- George and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
- The Grizzly Bear
- The Blue-Haired, Gun Tights Wonder
- Stripey Girl
- Me Being Stripey Girl
- The Pimp
- The Cowboy Boots

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If you've been around this site awhile, you're familiar with my pontifications on the state of American fashion. Generally, I snap shots of anonymous fashion victims to illustrate to us all how America needs healing in more ways than one.

But this time around, I think we have a winner. I must say, first lady Laura Bush worked her winter white inaugural suit.

Very well done. Classy, tasteful, fitting for the occasion, and very non-queen-of-England-looking.

Even the four loud-mouthed anti-traditionalists on ABC's "the View" (save Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who I like) had nice things to say about our first lady's ensemble.

Unfortunately, other Americans have not been so fortunate. See some of my past critiques:

Past Faux-Pas
- Attack of the Killer Patterns
- George W. Bush and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
- The Grizzly Bear
- The Blue-Haired, Gun Tights Wonder
- Stripey Girl
- Me Being Stripey Girl
- The Pimp
- The Cowboy Boots

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Growing up around trust fund babies, I learned very quickly that money does not buy taste. Michael Moore is proof of this. Here we have a lovely and well-intentioned woman at some high society function in New York City. No, I wasn't there, but if I were, I may have said something to her to likes of "What on Earth were you thinking!" This picture was snagged from some snooty social diary I forget the name of. As always, the identity of the victim is kept a secret, although it was tempting to leave her face so the world could see that even normal, fairly reasonable looking individuals can fall victim to fashion mis-haps.

If you hadn't noticed, there is really only one issue at hand here: SEVERE OVERUSE OF PATTERNS! It's like attack of Geometry! Is it an outfit or is it an error in Microsoft Word? It's not just the bad 70's blouse with vertical stripes. It's not even the fact that this ensemble looks like it should be on the body of someone who wears thick suntan-colored stockings, orthopedic shoes, smells like Chanel No. 5, and was around before black and white television existed. It's the SKIRT! The geometric skirt that quite simply ruins the outfit for all of eternity.

And somehow, call me crazy, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the tag on this outfit may read: 100% Polyester. Then again, maybe that's just my own prejudice talking.

People people people, if you're going to wear prints, you should usually do so on one half of your body. There are some exceptions to this with well designed outfits, but under no circumstances should different prints be mixed. Do you see what happens when stripes go bad?

We have got to better folks. People are counting on us.

Past Faux-Pas
- George and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
- The Grizzly Bear
- The Blue-Haired, Gun Tights Wonder
- Stripey Girl
- Me Being Stripey Girl
- The Pimp
- The Cowboy Boots

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This weekend, I attended a friend's wedding and spotted this young gentleman (who incidentally was very nice despite the tragic fashion mishap). As always, the identity of the victim has been preserved. For the sake of this discussion, let's just call our dear friend "Smokey" (as in the bear).

Is it a grizzly bear you ask? Is it your auntie's sofa? No, it's a man in a fur coat with a matching hat. Move over stripes and plaid combos, there's a new sickness on the block and it's called fake fur overkill. Can we say traaaagedy?

What will be said next is very important to take note of: it's not necessarily the wearing of the fur coat or the fur hat. It's the combination of the two--on a man. There's really no nice way to say this except that it's a mess. There are only two types of men that pull off that much fur: Sean "Puffy" Combs and Joan Rivers. Oh wait, but Joan is...well, anyway, you get the idea.

Somebody lied to this gentleman before he left the house when they said, "Yeah man, go ahead and wear the coat AND the hat. That outfit is HOT!" It can only be assumed that the culprit wasn't a woman. A woman would have said, "You look like a reject sugar daddy. Take that thing off before it catches on fire." Short of some gold "Mister T. starter kit" jewelry around his neck, he may well be on his way to a career as a crooked music producer.

Word to the wise, tone down the fur. You wear it; don't let it wear you. One piece at a time please. And remember, Smokey the bear says, "Only you can prevent forest fires."

I say we take his advice. Consider this a warning.

Past Fashion Faux-Pas:
- Gun Tights
- Stripey Girl
- Me Being Stripey Girl
- The Cowboy Boots
- The Pimp

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It's that time again. In my constant quest to rid the world of frumpiness and lack of good judgment (by the way did you know that word is spelled two ways? 'Judgement' or 'Judgment' are both permissible?), I bring you the Fashion Faux-Pas of the month. For this snapshot, I cannot claim royalties as it wasn't me; it was the one-armed man, fellow Conservative Brotherhood member, Avery Tooley. By the way, if you ever catch a big fashion no-no that you'd like me to publicly critique, shoot it my way.

As always, to protect the identity of the victim, we never show their face.

1. Golly gee, where shall we start? I dunno, maybe the BLUE HAIR. Why am I getting the sudden urge to start reciting my letters and my numbers and eat cookies? Could it possibly be the fact that I am reminded of a certain Sesame Street character? The Cookie Monster is the only one who is allowed to sport Colbalt Blue fur. Really folks, I've yet to see blue hair done tastefully. Email me a picture to prove me otherwise.

2. The Tights Perhaps this picture doesn't do the tights justice, but if you look closely, they are imprinted with guns. Yes, guns as in 1911 as in Smith & Wesson, Charlton Heston guns. NEVER, I repeat never is weaponry design on tights an acceptable thing. Shirts with pictures of guns on them are fine. So are hats, jerseys, sweatshirts, and even wristbands. You can even dress up like a gun and go running through the streets, but under no circumstances is it alright to wear gun-printed tights. Bad. No no no.

3. The Boots Seeing that this dear woman is holding a child, I think the phrase "Yo' Mamma Wears Combat Boots" is entirely appropriate. This picture wasn't taken in Mohabi Desert or the wilderness, it was taken in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, a city without a base camp. Combat boots are not required. In fact, they're not even pretty.

Until next time, my camera shall be on the prowl.

Past Fashion Faux-Pas:
- Stripey Girl
- Me Being Stripey Girl
- The Cowboy Boots
- The Pimp

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I am suprised no one noticed this before, but Ambra, the fashionista herself is guilty of looking like Popeye. (See , and then see this pic).

Shameful.

Oh, and that other guy in the pic is my dad.

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[ we interrupt regularly scheduled programming for a brief commercial message ]

A riddle for the masses: If three skinny guys walk down the streets of Seattle, blatantly wearing women's jeans and no one sees it, does that make it okay?

Answer: No.

The blurriness in this photo is due to my attempt to be discreet. I conceal the face of the victims for most obvious reasons. While walking to my car after work last Friday, I spotted these three fellows walking through downtown Seattle. Let's just call them "Todd, Jared, and Timmy". Imagine my chagrin when I noticed the middle character (Jared) was wearing one of my most favorite pair of Seven Jeans. "Hey those jeans look like mine," I thought to myself, "Silly Ambra, you're a girl and he's a boy, now why would a boy have on women's jeans?" But that's where I sold my crime doggery and conventional wisdom too short. In fact, not only was Jared wearing my pants, but Todd and Timmy had on women's jeans too.

Now in the past I have made quite clear, my stance on men sporting women's clothing, trying to pass for women. However, in this case, we have men wearing women's clothing, trying to pass for men. Sorry, ain't workin'.

Under. No. Circumstances. Should men wear women's jeans. They are too tight, and they are designed for people with hips and crotches. One would think this to be common sense, but apparently it is not. My camera shall continue to be on the prowl.

Again I say people....We've got to do better.

Past Fashion Faux-Pas:
- Stripey Girl
- The Cowboy Boots
- The Pimp

Posted in Culture , Fashion Faux Pas | Permanent Link

 

I know you didn't think I would go to New York City and NOT find someone faux-pas worthy. I took this picture while eating in "Little Italy" with friends. Incidentally, the food was good, the view was not. Again, for the purposes of my CIA affiliation, I hide the identity of the victim.

The past faux-pas have been bad, but this one just might take the cake. I'll make this quick: I don't know what possessed this dear woman to leave the house wearing BOTH horizontal AND vertical stripes, but the general American public needs to know that this is completely unacceptable. To make matters worse, the stripes don't even match. Stripes should only be worn on ONE half of the body. Never both. Like all things American, people MUST make a choice. There is only one circumstance when full body stripes are apporpriate: a prison suit.

My people, my people, we have GOT to do better.

Past Fashion Faux-Pas: The Cowboy Boots, The Pimp

[For those of you new to this website, I often throw in my nickel's worth on fashion trends and various improper situations my camera might catch. I do this to break up the monotony of politics, social commentary, and life. Plus, I'm just crazy like that. Back to regularly scheduled blogging]

Posted in Culture , Fashion Faux Pas | Permanent Link | Comments { 2 }