I've Got Truth In My Belly
June 15, 2009

Alright, back to business. Let's see if we can't make this a daily occurrence, no? My goal is to post here every day, Monday through Friday. Apologies for the short lull. I've spent the last two weeks out shopping for the baby boy we're expecting come early October -- procreation of course being a part of my full scale plan to take over the world. You thought I was "vile"? Just wait for my children. I pity the fool who doubts the abilities of this next generation. Of course I wasn't actually shopping for two entire weeks. Though the thought of that is rather appetizing. I think I shall add that to my list of "things to do before I die." Right before "never run a marathon" and right after "visit every country in the world." Those things aside, raising righteous offspring has always been one of the highest and most anticipated things on said list.

This week marks the sixth month of my pregnancy. While thankfully pregnancy has been a breeze for me, I can say without a doubt that pregnancy, is not a gentleman. It does not open the door for you or give you its coat when you are cold. Instead, it comes forcefully upon you, demanding you tend to it and take notice that there is in fact another human being growing inside of you. Pregnancy is quite the savage -- in the best way possible.

The results of the ungentlemanly nature of pregnancy differs from woman to woman. In my case, each day I grow more and more enlightened by the experience. There is something totally miraculous about the formation of another human being, the likes of which can only confirm one of the most thoroughly disputed realities of our time: that this world and all its inhabitants have been created by design and with the utmost forethought and care.

As fragile and precious as humanity may be, I am growing weary of planet Earth in general. If only I could be alone on an island for then remainder of this pregnancy, just me, my husband and perhaps the entire eight seasons of the Cosby on dvd. Life would be grand.

I've always considered myself a brutally honest person. As a child I was labeled a smart-mouth because I had a knack for stating the obvious at the most inappropriate times. As I grew into adolescence, I honed a quick-wit that I quickly learned had the ability to either cut others or build them up. That life and death were in the power of the tongue. As I grew more mature, I learned how to temper that quick-tongue so as to be more effective in communication and not get myself in too much trouble. Then I got pregnant. After carefully honing the art of tact and decorum over the last 27 years, pregnancy has done a number on my tongue. Whatever internal filter I worked so hard to establish has withered away with every stretch of my growing belly. In short, pregnancy has brought out the uncensored honesty in me.

There are some things I have quietly tolerated for years at a time. However, my now filter-free pregnancy fully rejects these realities and when given the opportunity to say so, my tongue will do just that. Here are just a few of the things perturbing me at the moment:

  • Illegitimate Panhandlers. Walking around downtown Seattle and seeing the "homeless" pan-handling man I've watched stand on the same Seattle street corner he's held for nearly 10 years just about pushed me to my limit. With as much motivation and dedication as he's given to begging for the last 10 years, imagine what he could have accomplished. What a complete and total waste of potential. It saddens and sickens me. For his own good and restoration, someone should demand more of him. I'm not the right person. My words can't be trusted when I'm pregnant.

  • Crocs. If you are not under the age of nine or work in a hospital, you look like a complete idiot. No exception. Crocs are hideous and there are no other excuses to wear them.

  • Outsourced Call Centers. Allow me to preface what I'm about to say by noting that I spent the last four years of my professional corporate life working alongside native East Indians living here in the states. They are my peeps and I love them dearly. I also find East Indians to be among the smartest and most dedicated population I've ever met. Their work ethic puts many of us American-bred sloths to shame. I love my brethren overseas, but if I place one more customer service call and have to talk to improperly trained Prateek posing as "Bob," reading a script with a fake New York accent, saying "I'm sorry about that ma'am" every 10 seconds, I'm going to disown "Slumdog Millionaire" as my favorite movie of 2008. I swear to you I will do it. I will shun all stories of heroics by call center chai wallahs. I don't like being lied to, "Bob."

    Just for kicks I always ask call center reps where they're located. When they lie and tell me they're in New Jersey, my favorite question to ask is, "So how's the weather there?" I don't blame the call center employees in the least. I blame the lazy, greedy, disorganized and inefficient companies who don't know how to scale their business and provide effective customer service.

  • "Green" Products. If one more company comes out with a new "green" environmentally responsible version of their product, I'm going to scream. This whole charade is SO not about the environment. This is about finding more ways to make money. And that's fine and well, but at least fess up to that. Don't go all posing like you're on this "Corporate Social Responsibility" kick. I'm all for biodegradable materials. But if you really think Clorox, chief procurers of the toxic cash cow of bleach for nearly a century, is really all that interested in the environment, you are sadly mistaken. I call a bluff. A really really smart one at that.

  • Accusations of "Hate Speech." Forgive me if I roll my eyes every time someone tries to assert that the mere observation of common sense is "hate speech." I am certain the original derivation of this term is actually legit. I wish people would use it when appropriate as I fear it's lost its potency. I don't don't condone language that is intended to degrade or incite violence or prejudice against a person or a group of people. If that's the hate speech you want to talk about, then I'll get on board. But if you want to cry "hate speech" as a buffer for the reality that you don't like hearing the truth or you are trying to defend a lifestyle choice, then you my friend, are making a donkey out of yourself.

  • Applebee's. I need for someone, anyone to be PLEASE explain to me how this restaurant chain is still in existence? Everything they serve is horrendous. The entire menu is like a gallery of regrettable food. Applebee's is a shining example of why there are no excuses for lack of success in this nation. None. That place should be torched down. Give me a call when that happens, I will catch a plane just to watch.

  • Sex Changes. This has come into the media recently due to a certain prominent pseudo-celeb announcing their intent to self-mutilate. I'm sorry people, but enduring a medical procedure to change someone into the other gender -- a gender that someone was never created to be -- is not "brave." It shouldn't be applauded or supported. It's actually quite sad. It's sad that a person can dislike their self so much that they would choose to self-mutilate. It's also offensive. It's offensive to think that because you endured a surgery and popped some hormone pills, that you're now entitled to have the title of "woman" or "man" bestowed upon you. Not only was it not earned. It was never intended. I am subtly reminded even in my fragile, with-child state that womanhood (or manhood) cannot be co-opted through medical interventions. However these individuals choose to live is quite simply, a lie. End of story
If you see me coming, watch out. I am wielding choice words and a warrior in my belly. For a few more months at least.

Posted by Ambra at June 15, 2009 12:52 AM in Life ,Pregnancy
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Congratulations! I am so glad your pregnancy is going smoothly. Have you had any food challenges---thing you used to be able to eat, but either smell funny now, or do not digest? Peanut butter and Mexican food were two for me.

And it is fun when that "mother hen" thing rises up inside, and you will find you can do things you could not before. Sleep deprivation is a biggie during the first few months with a newborn, but they do grow up, before you know it, write their own blog.

Congrats on being preggers! :-) My God bless you with a healthy baby boy!

On Crocs, there's no reason to were them except at the beach. The things are foot and/or ankle injuries waiting to happen.


What you talkin' about Ambra? Applebee's is the bomb !! You just haven't been to a good one yet. Or maybe its your "condition." I know things may taste different when you are in a "womanly way."


You are smoking crack SIR!!! Please, do tell me this particular Applebee's location you've found that actually makes edible food? LOL

Congratulations to you and your husband! I listen to your radio show faithfully. I even listened to the archives through your six month hiatus. I just found your blog, and I enjoy it also. I wish you guys the best. Keep doing what you do.

I didn't know you were pregnant! Me too! and I always preface everything I say with "I'm 8 months pregnant and totally incapable of bullshit." (accredited to Marci in Jerry MacGuire)I know exactly what you mean. If people thought I was "intolerant" before...well it's 10x worse now. I just had this rant on friday when I was sitting in for Doug Giles on Clash Radio...and one of the things that made my list of all things intolerable was transvestites using my bathroom!!!! We have such similar thoughts!

All the Applebees I've been to in Texas have been great. Maybe you need to move to the south where the real food is. :)

Congrats on your pregnancy. I, too, am a force to be reckoned with, and wanted nothing less for my daughter. However, my little one who is now 4 yrs of age is just a little terror, even with me. So be very careful what you wish for. Your little prince may turn on you as well. Good luck and congrats again. Have you come up with any names?

I am responding to your twitter---I don't think I have ever heard a doctor say those words in my life. In fact, if I have a sore throat, the doctors and nurses like to point out that I am fat, too, just in case I have not been by a mirror. That is great---you get to eat more bacon! Fat helps little brains develope. Don't let them talk you into the 2 percent stuff.

Thank you, this made me laugh.

I detest Applebee's, the homeless in Portland, OR (i.e. white teens with dreadlock hair trying to sell me candy on public transit...I think not) drive me insane, and this "Green" trend makes me irate; it has never been about the environment, but it is and will remain political rhetoric to accumulate wealth and power.

10-4.....& 2012.....

I love your uncensored-preggo-rant! Especially the part about "green" products - are we the only ones that see through this save the planet garbage? Spare me your greed disguised as righteousness! Cheers, Mama!

While I am glad that people are thinking twice about pesticides, etc., I too am really getting tired of the phrase "Go Green!". I just want to puke when I hear it!

In the hospital when my wife was giving birth to our son (now three years old), she said, "I don't know how my mama had eight children!" She thought that the epidural she received was wonderful, although her back hurt for a long time afterwards.

I agree with this post in its entirety.

Thats all.

Oh and congratulations on the baby! Motherhood will completely change you. I thought I knew what love was but realized after birthing my babies that I was only remotely familiar with it.

God's best to you three.

Aw man, you missed your chance!
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