In Quirkiness and Health
May 12, 2009

I so love being married if for no other reason than the pure enrichment it brings to my life, for better or worse. Guilt-free, married sex is a bonus too.

As of late however, the subject of bacon is seriously putting my marriage in jeopardy. No really, it is. Every married couple has their threshold. You know, those activities that are completely off limits because participation results in unnecessary conflict, one spouse not speaking to the other and a very chilly night? When it comes to food, do not MESS with my bacon. Before Andre and I got married, I thought painting would be the death of us. Together, we once painted a bathroom at my parent's house and after I learned my future husband was a criss-cross, sideways and sometimes diagonal painter who thought it fun to paint smiley faces on the walls and cover it up later, I was convinced he was not the man for me. Is there really any other truly proper way to paint with a roller than in an even up and down motion? I think not. I'm serious, people. Before you get engaged, try painting or wallpapering a room together. Brings out all kinds of fun and interesting animosity you never knew was there. While we're at it, I also recommend ballroom dancing. It's like marital counseling with a soundtrack and an up beat. But back to bacon--the current thorn in my marital side.

I have never been one to hide my love of all things meat. The blood pumping through my veins is hardcore carnivorous blood. I like my food to have once had a pulse. I relish in a good steak. My stomach grumbles at the smell of barbeque. I eat vegetarians for lunch. Not literally, just in theory. I get teary-eyed when I visit the meat section at Whole Foods because they carry venison and ground buffalo. I've never had ground buffalo, but it makes me feel warm and tingly to know if I wanted to eat buffalo burgers, I could. But my favorite and most cherished meat of all is bacon. And my husband doesn't want me to have it. He is a wretched, wretched man.

One thing I will say about marriage is that it certainly does keep life interesting. I've yet to decide if it's marriage itself that's so deeply fascinating or if I just happened to marry a very quirky man. Which isn't to say I am without quirks. I just happen to think my quirks are merely a byproduct of my inherent coolness whereas my dear husband Andre, quite frankly, is just weird.

And now these two quirky people are becoming one. Unfortuantely, there are certain aspects of this "oneness" I wish to reject. One of them being Andre's firm belief that ketchup is not merely a condiment, but in fact a universal sauce. I also wish to reject his insistence that bacon is terrible for the body. I have no logic to back up my sentiment other than it tastes so dang good. How can something that tastes so good be so bad. Surely God didn't create a thing as wonderful as bacon so that we'd never taste of its greasy goodness. According to Andre, there is a reason pork isn't Biblically kosher. And it's a good reason. According to Ambra, there is a reason bacon smells good. And it's because it's bacon. I don't eat pork, but I do eat bacon. You see, bacon is a separate classification of meat. It has its own category.

Believe it or not, our first real marital spat took place over the subject of bacon. It was a typical casual Sunday afternoon and we just left church to go do our usual weekly grocery shopping at Whole Limb Foods. As we approached the checkout line, Andre peeped the package of bacon I subtly placed in the cart and declared, "No way. We are not having that in our house. Let's go swap that out for a package of turkey bacon."

I clutched my pearls.

Then as if the universe had been thrust into slow motion, I repeated his suggestion back to him as a rhetorical question of sorts. I wanted to give him a second chance to redeem the blasphemous heresy that had just come from his mouth. "Turkey. Bacon?"

"Yes," he said with a calm blessed assurance that Jesus was his, "Turkey bacon is what we're buying."

How could someone be so matter of fact in their wrongness? If life were like a cartoon, there would've been literal steam coming from my ears at that very moment accompanied by a tiny thought bubble with a vignette of me tying Andre up and placing him on the train track. In the cartoon world I'd be much more violent.

Were we really about to get into an all out debate in the middle of Whole Foods over...bacon? Oh yes we were! To be quite honest, I'm not entirely sure what happened in that moment, but the next thing I knew, I had turkey bacon in my cart, and pork, I mean, bacon was no where to be found. Where was Ashton Kutcher because surely I was being punk'd. Maybe not punk'd, but definitely punked.

I often quip that my husband was probably one of those kids whose mom sent him to the sleepover birthday party with a note listing off all the major food groups to which he's allergic. My husband has more food allergies than the average normal person. By "normal" I mean any person who was born pre-1985, before everyone and their mother had an allergy and school buses were evacuated because a lone peanut shell was found under a seat. The combination of his food allergies and his research has made him a bit of a health nut--emphasis on nut.

Last week we had an incident that made me decide to coin my husband's quirks as "Andreisms." I was deep asleep in my nap and forgot to let the dog out as scheduled thus resulting in poop in the kitchen. Maybe I'm too cavalier about such things, but I don't think poop in the kitchen is a big deal. It could've been worse. It could've been on the carpet. Then again, I've owned three dogs. Few things phase me. When Andre came home to find what had taken place, he insisted the pizza I had sitting on the counter had to be thrown out. Why you ask? "Poop particles in the air." Did he really say that? Oh yes he did say, "There are poop particles in the air." Apparently, the presence of poop on the kitchen floor, meant fecal matter in the air, and thus the pizza could potentially be tainted and unhealthy to eat. And here I thought him painting a room diagonally was bad. For the record, I ate the pizza and it was good.

The crazy thing about marriage is how much you grow to love those same little quirks that drive you totally batty about person. My husband gives me so much to chuckle about throughout my day. Despite my annoyance at how often his opinions on the most minuscule things differ from mine, it's comments like "poop particles in the air" that remind me why I married this weirdo. I love to see what he's going to say next. I even appreciate that he challenges me about my love of bacon. He will get cut if he ever tries to stop me from buying it again. But I appreciate the effort.

When people ask me what I see as the greatest challenge of marriage, I have many opinions. But assuming two healthy people are joining together, I think one of the biggest challenges is actually in managing the small things. There are assumptions we all have about how every day life is supposed to be lived and you never think you are wrong until someone else comes along and does things differently. At that moment you have the choice as to how that difference is going to play out in your marriage. It's the most refining earthly relationship I've ever had and I highly recommend it.

Posted by Ambra at May 12, 2009 12:23 AM in Marriage ,Observations in Life
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Thanks for the laughs! :)

Hilarious. I am so glad my husband and I are on the same page as far as bacon is concerned. Because it would be cause for a few rounds in the ring if he were to try to keep me from it.

Yes, your husband is a nut and full of quirks. But I must (somewhat embarassingly) admit that I am with him on the poop particles. If I take my cup of coffee into the bathroom (a clean, empty-toilet bathroom, mind you) I keep it as far from the toilet as possible. Those particles linger you know. And should I have to do my business, that coffee cup leaves the room first.

And now that I have shared this information about myself, I will go.

this truly brightened a gloomy day..and made me look over today and smile at my husband's 'quirks' which by the way was partly the reason for the gloomy day!

You are seriously related to Phillip Berry, onced dubbed "the Bacon King" in elementary school,and your hubby is definitely related to the senior Mr. B. At one point Mr. B the Senior imposed a "bacon ban" in our household. Little Ms. B's cries of cruel & unusual punishment fell on deaf ears, until one day, faced with yet another plate of faux-bacon & eggs, her little eyes welled up, she looked up at her papa and said a la Oliver, "please, suh, can we please have real bacon?!". Well, you know even the cruelest of dad's can't withstand that kind of pressure!

Fun reading; BTW - I enjoyed your dogs at play as well.

HAAAAAA "poop particles in the air" HAAAAAAA
I can absolutely relate. At this very moment I am reconfiguring my home network, to rid it of WIFI, because, apparently my wife is allergic to wifi. At least that is what she now believes thanks to Google. She is also convinced that it wifi will effect the development of our children's brains. So .. wifi must now go.

For the sake of peace in our home I have also forgone partaking of the pig. sigh Love is sacrifice.

I am happy to know I am not alone in being married to a raving lunatic. I have much more fodder for you guys in the months to come. Andre is a nonstop comedy show/conspiracy theorist. Safe to say, my husband should NOT be allowed to use Google. The current battle in our house is now over the microwave. According to Andre's research, microwave technology was developed by the Nazis. Great. There goes my hopes of eating anything warm in less than 45 seconds. Also, he has banned all standing in front of the microwave. God I love him though.

@Lori I agree that food in the bathroom is a no no. There's a funny video satire on youtube that addresses a similar issue. The girl's mom has a theory about not brushing her teeth in the bathroom because of the "mist" from the toilet.

@BH I must know more about your wife's alleged "allergy" to wi-fi. She sounds like a keeper!

@Rhonda I LOVE the Oliver reference! You really do feel like a bit of an orphan when bacon is banned. As for me, I have to eat it in secret. Of course, he reads this website, so I've seriously outted myself.

I wholeheartedly support the consumption of bacon. To help your argument, you might point out that pork was banned way back when (as mentioned in the bible) because of the threat of trichinosis, which is virtually nonexistent in the U.S. anymore because of all the antibiotics they give to pigs now. Good luck.

Too Funny Ambra! I too have a love of bacon. I don't understand how someone just could not love bacon. It's just THAT good.

I'm not allowed to stand in front of the microwave either...lol

Bacon DOES have nitrites, making Andre correct that it's bad for you. But since you're buying it at Whole Foods, that means yours probably is nitrite-free. So as long as you don't mind eating saturated fat, I guess you're okay. I've never had turkey bacon, tho.

Ketchup could be callled the “American Sweet & Sour Sauce” due to its sugar, vinegar and salt. However, putting it on everything is weird, or it could be a sugar-salt taste bud conditioning. Anyway, some stores now have organic (Private Selection brand) which is made with no High Fructose Corn Syrup. Since health counselors are recommending tomato and its products, there is a tomato paste (Contadina brand) that is low in sodium and can be mixed with water to be used for soups or pasta. The simplest and easiest way I use this tomato paste is mixed with water as a base for things like brown rice with green peas. An added benefit of this tomato product is that it reportedly is high in lycopene, healthy for eyes and health. We do not want to forget the real tomato, as God made it (and before man processes it). But it is said that the soils some are grown in have only a fraction of the nutrients it had 100 or more years ago. So the Paste (or Sauce if not too adulterated) is a convenient and concentrated form to get the benefits.

LOL. Hilarious!

I'm so glad you're blogging again! :)

Aw man, you missed your chance!
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