The Requisite Monthly Rant: How Not to Get a Wife
August 5, 2005

Since the time I came into common sense, I've had alternative views on "dating." That is to say: with a few exceptions, I generally think it stinks. I'll go one step farther to say that today's methods of "hit it and quit it" rendezvous are partly to blame for the ubiquitous nature of unhealthy marriages in America.

That said, there are some personal tenets of male/female relationships that I'm finding less than common amongst some of my peers. For one, as a woman, I don't "pursue" men. And trust me; I know this is not the common belief system because I have a 17-year-old athlete brother (who if he weren't related to me, and a minor, I would consider a very fine specimen). I see the way the floozy skank jezebels fling themselves at him. Remind me to write about how we're raising a generation of underage bootylicious prostitutes.

When I was growing up, my parents barely let my sister and I even call a guy, let alone ask one out. If a guy wanted in, he had to come correct. To some it sounds extreme, but I'm still young and I've never been pregnant, so I guess it worked. More importantly, there was a principle there that's stuck with me throughout my life: some may go for self-promotion, but it's best to let others pursue you on your own merits. I've taken the same approach to blogging. Plus, when it comes to issues of courtship, engagement and marriage, I guess I'm just old-fashioned. The wedding night's better that way.

Sounds simple enough, but we must never underestimate the complexity of the male mind. And let's just be honest here. If you're a woman and you're breathing, chances are you've been hit on. I don't care what you look like. Every woman has at one point or another, endured the ridiculosity* of what passes for 21st century chivalry.

While most of my guy friends have informed me that I can be "intimidating" at times (seriously people, I'm only 5'2"), it seems there is a certain cross segment of the male population that has absolutely no shame. You know the ones. They pick their wedgies in front of you and try to pick up married women. So it is with that "have you no shame?" sentiment that I kick-off the growing list I shall dub The Men's Guide for How to Never Ever (Ever) Get a Woman. Feel free to add:

  1. Hit on a woman while whizzing by her on your childhood bicycle. News flash: you are not Lance Armstrong. Lance Armstrong has lots of money and therefore can afford for his primary method of transportation to be a two wheeler. You on the other hand, need a job and a vehicle.

    1b. Should the bicycle possess any of the following characteristics, lifelong celibacy is in order: streamers, rims, spinners, bells, a basket, or a banana seat.

  2. Yell sweet-nothings at a woman while she is passing your construction site. Could we be more trite?

  3. Have more than one-inch of exposed chest hair while in grocery stores and restaurants. Top buttons were created for a reason gentlemen. There's nothing wrong with chest hair (or as I prefer to call it, "Taco Meat"), but there is a time and a place for everything. Not around the food please.

    3b. Does not apply if you are Greek, in which case, who am I to keep you from your heritage?

  4. Refuse to wear deodorant. This only applies in the USA.

  5. Ask female pedestrians for their phone numbers while zipping by in a car at 75 miles per hour. Now really folks, I have often wondered what comes of these drive-by relationships. Because every woman has surely thought to herself, "Gee, maybe the man of my dreams will come driving by in a hooptie, yell obscenity-laced compliments at me and ask me for my number."

  6. Have hair that is both prettier, and longer than the average woman. This is not a Pantene Pro-V commercial. This goes out to all the Yannis and the Snoop Doggs of the world. Very few men can pull off long hair. Chances are you are not one of them. If you are, you had better well be Solomon.

    6b. Does not apply to men with clean dreadlocks.

    Addendum to 6b.: Unless you are white, in which case, please head to your nearest barber as soon as humanly possible.

  7. When turned down, suggest that something is wrong with the woman. Trust me, it's not her; it's you.

  8. Wax your eyebrows. Does this really need to be said? Only two types of men wax their eyebrows: Flight Attendants and Cheer Leading Captains. Enough said.

    8b. Unless you have a unibrow in which case, wax liberally.

    Addendum to 8b.: (see 3b.)

  9. Blow your horn at a woman--especially if you know her.

  10. Refer to women you don't know as any of the following (hey, hey you there, baby, sweetheart, mami, ma, shawty, shorty, honey, or chick).

  11. Whistle, pssst, or make any audible noises.
More to come. In the meantime folks, we've got to do better.

Previous Monthly Rants:
- How Not to Get a Job
- The State of the Blog Address
- The Point At Which I decide that Most Businesses Suck
- For the Record, Republican doesn't equal "Moral" or "Righteous"
- The Point at Which I Pull that Race Mumbo Jumbo
- Real World Confessional
- My Issues With Air Travel
- The Point At Which I Worship the Wonders of Vicodin

Posted by Ambra at August 5, 2005 7:50 PM in Life
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Include the appellation "baby" in your first meeting.

Feminism killed 21st century chivalry, you know, when guys get yelled at for holding a door for a woman (because a strong and independent woman can open the door herself).

Good stuff Ambra!!

I agree completely!! I do not date, either, and don't plan on it. We call it the "used tissue" approach...think of yourself as a clean, white tissue...every man you've ever given a piece of your heart to has blowed his nose in it...what does your future husband get? A snotty tissue. (Kinda gross, but it conveys the message.)

I don't think women should pursue men, either...I think that is totally weird!

Hey, I don't think your parents sound very extreme! Kinda sounds like my own parents. :) And I agree with you night will be WAY better! Something to look forward to! :)

Haha! Intimidating? at 5'2"? I think my shorter siblings would say that, except the one who is an inch shorter than me. :P (I'm 5'1".) Now, if I'm intimidating to guys...I have NO idea. Maybe when I have PMS. (Speaking of PMS, know why it's called PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken. :P )

Thanks for a good rant. :D

Anne, Bible Believing Conservative Republican

Alex's comment based on a quick skim:

Dating is "divorce preparation" as my instructors here in the ATL would say it. High emotional investment for a relationship that will not lead to marriage.

Anyway, I'll be back to Houston Monday to flood your comments with my useless opinions.

It's really bad when a guy tells you that he asked you out because he figured since you're disabled you would not turn him down. Needless to say I never went out with that guy again!

First of all, guys don't pick their wedgies -- they burp and fart. Secondly, I'm a bit disappointed by your list. It's funny, but not really applicable. I expected items like "pop your zits in the rearview mirror at the stop light" or "try to be someone you're not."

Still, I can really see the potential behind this -- I think it should be a monthly installment (possibly even available in booklet form someday?). Whatever your plans, please don't stop. Guys need to hear this.

Oh, and don't forget to blog about how we're raising a generation of underage bootylicious prostitutes.

ohmygosh - Taco Meat - you kill me.

Ambra, How's this dream-date (from the man' viewpoint): First, take her to an up-scale strip-joint and try to get her to rate the dancers. Second, take her dining under the stars and babble on and on about "UFOs" the "Para-normal" and "Alien Abductions". Finally, went you part, tell her how much she reminds you of your Mother! Guys, if a gal who has been through this ever calls back, change your phone number!

*blowing dust off keyboard*

I have plenty to add, but here are a few of my favorites:

2b. Touch yourself anywhere below the navel while whispering those "sweet nothings."

5b. Drive up to a woman and ask her if she wants to get in.

Addendum to 6b. Under no circumstances should a man carry a mirror. It makes them look high maintenance.

10b. Refer to a woman as an object of any kind (eg. a fine Jeep)

12. Say anything along the lines of, "you look good as sh--," or "you are fine as h--" and "you look so f---ing good." You have then categorized yourself as one with both a limited vocabulary, and no creativity.

"It's really bad when a guy tells you that he asked you out because he figured since you're disabled you would not turn him down. Needless to say I never went out with that guy again!"

:O That is horrible!

Anne, Bible Beliving Conservative Republican

I have been told that a classy woman arranges herself in order to be in the line of sight of a gentleman. She lets him have a good look at all of her, and then lets him enter the maze of enchantment.

So I imagine that I will encourage my daughters to develop a look that says, "You are perfectly welcome to buy me a drink on the condition that you know who you're dealing with." I will of course probably not have to give them much coaching on developing a look that says "I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire."

Nevertheless, I have to say that nothing is quite as off-putting as a woman so forsworn out of the dating game that makes every encounter a drama-multiplier. Me and my partners used to get that all the time - women who's daddies never showed them how to slap a gentleman. I say both sides are guilty of playing hard to get and... well, there's an interesting story that I just thought of. It goes a little something like this: Young black woman, college degree, from the south, moved up north, saving money to buy her own condo, doesn't go out - hates the dating scene. Has no (NONE) black male friends. tsk... I could go on...

Sometimes--something IS wrong with her. Run!

Don't hit on pregnant women--they're probably taken (and beware of those hormones!!!!)

Avoid women who's last name is "Mankiller" or who chew tobacco.

Avoid woman who are jealous of your hair. (If you have dredlocks or an afro and you are white, please take Ambra's advice)

Though, my wife has been pregnant 7 times during our marriage and it seems that she has been so most of our marriage...

LOL!!! That list is hilarious...

And I agree with you about dating. I'm a very conservative Christian girl who's going for courtship all the way!!!

I found a link to your blog from my friend Anne, I might be checking in now and then. :)

Sean, wow, I didn't know you still popped in 'round these parts. So sorry to disappoint on the practical side of my rant. I figured I go for the outright obvious because it's more funny. Plus, it's what really drives me crazy about some members of the opposite you know what. Please note, my brothers in Christ are not to be included in this group.

Janae: Long time no comment. And yes, I agree, especially with the touch yourself part. Gross.

Reminds me of summers in College working landscaping and irrigation. We'd pull up at a light, a truck full of dirty sweaty guys, and at least one would start with the "Hey, Hey honey. Hi there. Hi," invariably followed by the "she's just stuck up" as we pulled away. Yes, Ambra, some guys are that stupid.

I've always wondered, though, in those situations—such as the truck-full-of-dirty-sweaty-guys scenario that SubmanDave so aromatically paints for us—suppose one of the guys in the truck: 1) Has some sense, and 2) Spies the girl and has one of those "God, what a beautiful specimen you can I meet and marry her...if I don't act now I may never see her again" moments? How does he distinguish himself from the hoi polloi, at a traffic light, in the midst of the feeding frenzy, in a way that she will find sincere and endearing?

I know, I know. That picture has all the trappings of a syrupy J-Lo/Ray Fiennes flick (Oh, they made that movie, you say? See what I mean?). But it could happen!

Sister-readers, help the brothers out! I know what I did, uh, would have done, in that situation, but what would set your hearts all aflutter in that scenario, causing you to at least give peace, I mean dude, a chance?


LOL You put a smile of my face for a while.

Great site. Just found it. Way to go.

Re dating: Do you define this as something besides taking someone out to dinner to get to know them better as a precursor to deciding whether you want to court them? I have to say that I dated my wife before I courted her, at least in terms of the definition I've given above. You all seem to be referring to some other definition of dating, though, so please enlighten me.

Agree with you completely about not feeling like you have to chase things that aren't right for you. When you have the confidence to wait for the kind of guy who is attracted to you, you'll both be happier. Light cleaves to light and intelligence to intelligence, so we tend to be attracted to what we are. That was my wife's tack as well, and after almost 6 years and 2.5 kids, it's bliss. Good luck.

Either you are:

Seeking marriage

Or you are:


Courtship in this day and age is counterproductive, because too much time and energy is spent on "activities" that have little or nothing to do with determining if this person understands enough about what a healthy relationship is all about to be a good mate.

Why? Because, unless you have mature MARRIED friends or relatives who have LONGEVITY in their relationships based on the foundation of LOVE and RESPECT, many challenges lie ahead.

Relationships..well marriages (especially those in black families) are bourne out of generational co-dependence, instead of healthy interdependence.

It's getting worse, and it's being perpetuated by the emotionally detached thug mentality of young black males in their teens and late twenties, and the Beautiful, Black, Educated, Successful, and Strong BlackWoman™ philosophy that has become quite prevalent in recent years.

Aw man, you missed your chance!
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Why I'm Not a Republican Parts I, II, III, IV
Reflections on the Ill-Read Society
The ROI of a Kid
The Double-Minded Haters
Hip-Hop in Education: Do You Wanna Revolution?
Oh parent Where Art Thou?
Requisite Monthly Rant: the State of the Nation
College Curriculum Gone Wild
Walmart Chronicles
An Open Letter to American Idol
Gonorrhea and the City