Friday's Missive: Laws the should be but aren't
February 18, 2005

In light of Virginia's "Droopy Drawer Bill," it occurred to me that we can legislate nearly anything these days. So I ask, in a perfect world, what laws should be enforced? I'll start with a few:

  1. It is therefore made law that men (as defined anatomically) are prohibited from wearing spandex outside the house, heretofore, therein, wherein, ubiquitously, forever and ever, amen.
  2. All teachers, professors, and educators with direct contact with children, especially those who lean over shoulders to help with math equations must pass a halitosis test before every school year.
  3. Slow moving pedestrians who block the entire sidewalk will be fined $15 and required to log 6 hours of speedwalking class.
What else?

Posted by Ambra at February 18, 2005 4:17 AM in Politics
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3. Slow moving pedestrians who block the entire sidewalk will be fined $15 and required to log 6 hours of speedwalking class.

Make it so!

My List:

1. A hefty fine for anyone who cuts me off in traffic driving slower than I am.

2. General fine for anyone driving below, or at the speed limit in the "fast" lane.

3. Free XL T-Shirts for women who wear bikini-top shirts during winter along with a mandatory course on how not to dress like a strumpet.

4. Ok seriously, if you pull in front of me going 30mph on the freeway and Im going 70, you deserve jail time. (add to #1)

5. Every Christian should be forced to read Wellington Boone's "Low Road to New Heights" and given 2 hours in a room, alone, for self-examination.

When paying at the checkout counter: A law against little old ladies taking their gloves off one finger at a time then rummaging through their change-purses for 20 minutes in order to find 1 cent.

The President will not interrupt the Regis and Kelly Show with a Press Conference. Conferences will be aired during the Nightly News.

All people who work in food service should have to wash their hands before dealing with food and after hitting the bathroom. Oh wait, that is law! I wouldn't know because I've rarely ever seen it even though I've worked in food services since 1999.

It is therefore made law that men (as defined anatomically) are prohibited from wearing spandex outside the house, heretofore, therein, wherein, ubiquitously, forever and ever, amen.
Glad this wasn't on the books during biker short days.

Anyone making a telephone call TO me shall be forbidden to ask "who's this" when I pick up the phone and say hello.
Old men in hats shall be forbidden from driving in front of anyone.

Old men @ the gym shall be prohibited from standing around naked and having conversations, standing around naked and brushing their teeth, sitting naked on the benches and reading the newspaper, or genrally just doing anything in said state of undress.
That's just the tip of the iceberg.Anyone who was ever gone to a gym knows about these...

Per #2:

Why can't you people just leave us alone!!?!
Are we supposed to eat tic-tacs nonstop to satisfy your need for "bon aire"? Some people brush their teeth, maybe twice a day, and they still are ostracized if they happen to eat something "flavorful" for lunch (who brushes their teeth after lunch?). Must we be castigated for liking onions and peppers on our cheesesteaks, extra garlic salt on pizza, and crumbled blue cheese on a salad?

As a representative of HGBT (Halitotic Garlic-eatin' Breath Terrorists), I am asking you to show some kindness and understanding to the smelly underbelly of society. We may be in the minority, but you'll hear us (AND smell us) when we shout!

You're just a big meanie. Why don't you pick on those dandruff shedders or dirty-fingernailers?

". General fine for anyone driving below, or at the speed limit in the "fast" lane."

Personally, I'd prefer a speeding ticket for anyone driving above the speed limit in any lane.

phone etiquette, when you call someone introduce yourself first.
"hello, my name is_____, Is mark there?

It took me 10 minutes to park in a shopping center because this ENTIRE family of (8) walked together all spread out across the whole parking lot. Did they not see my car? I wanted to scream. Musta been a sale. $5 fine ea.

You may not come to the United States for any reason if you:

  1. have done dumb stuff in the past. Consular officers will be able to interpret this as they see fit.
  2. are currently engaging in dumb stuff. This can be anything from terrorism or belonging to the "Let's be obnoxious" club
  3. are planning on engaging in dumb stuff in the future. This includes giving birth to a baby in the US, so the child can petition you in 18 years. Also on the list: terrorism, drugs doings and all forms of costing US taxpayers money.



Let's see, let's also have a law against the movie theaters not allowing outside food in the movies. Duh, yeah, I want to pay $6 for a ticket and then another $6 for a snack.

On the matter of spandex wearing and said fashion police enforcing laws regarding wearing of same:

There are but six people on the entire planet who can successfully don and wear the stuff and not looking silly, scary, offensive, concerning, rude, or idiotic.

No one reading this is one of them.

Anyone else notice the grammatical error in the title of this post?

I usually try not to nitpick (because I do much worse in my writing)..but that is irking me right now.

it was intentional Alex.

ok, my bad

carry on.

Slow moving pedestrians who block the entire sidewalk will be fined $15 and required to log 6 hours of speedwalking class.

This should also extend to supermarket aisles and the walkways in the mall.

Aw man, you missed your chance!
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