[ Real world stream of consciousness... ]
Despite my fond affection for all types of meat and militant stance on my right to eat hamburgers and ribs, I eat tofu on occasion and I actually like it. Blame it on the vegetarians; I do. I own more than 70 pairs of shoes, 50% of which are black, and yet I still want more. Tell me that's not excess. I hate cats and pigeons, but I'll tolerate kittens. This is because I have a guilty conscience about a bad incident I once had with a kitten, God rest her soul..er, body. I will forever contend that all dogs go to heaven, despite sufficient Biblical defense, and any smattering of evidence that it might be true because well, I wanna see "Sadie" again. Plus I'm just stubborn. On occasion, I want to get up in the face of the career Seattle panhandlers and yell, "GET A JOB!" Despite my lack of vocal talent, when I'm driving I pretend that I am a very good singer. A virtue and a vice is that I have no shame. I talk myself through the process of killing spiders because when it comes to bugs, the girl in me comes out. The onset of this occurs when I search the house for my "cheap shoes" because I don't want spider guts on the soles of my Kenneth Cole boots. I've slobbered on more than one occasion in the middle of very profound discourse and professional business presentations. My skill level allows me to do this and still completely recover. I have an unopened can tuna in the glove compartment of my car for reasons beyond me. I don't remove it because I've yet to figure out why it's there. Again, stubborn. I think very bad thoughts about "Christians" with Jesus fish and WWJD bumper stickers who cut me off in traffic. Way to drive like a Christian, "jerk"; then I repent, sort of. I think pop-ups are evil. Breathmints should be a pre-requisite for those who wish to enter the teaching profession. I spend entirely too much time watching television. On most days, I'll defend my nonexistent right to do so. Generally, I don't like formalized reading but I do it because I, "have to". School forever ruined books, but knowledge is better than ignorance. I'm good at making lists, but bad at checking them off. I get distracted by insight and profundity. This can be bad. I can do a very good impression of a white girl. If allowed, I'd put that on my resume. I am predisposed to think that all dentists are evil--except my grandfather, who's just old. I think white people wearing dreadlocks is a singularly BAD idea. I am a tall short person. Call me idealistic, but I think women should shave under their arms. Period. I can argue points that are utterly ridiculous. I hate doing the dishes. I wish the makers of Aleve would pay me to endorse their product. I think Danielle Steele is a man. I think Kevin Spacey is a woman. Politics generally bore me, but my take on politics cracks me up. I am my own best audience. I read "Us magazine" in the grocery store check-out line because it frees me up from "thinking". I think I'm way cooler than I am. I would shop at Wal-Mart but the presence of too many ignorant people shouting at once is more than I can bear. The fact that I think this probably means I'm an elitist, but I'm not. My name is still cooler than yours, feminism sucks, vote Bush and please use deodorant.

Past Monthly Rants:
- My Issues With Air Travel
- The Point at Which I Worship the Wonders of Vicodin
- The State of the Nation
- Politics